Looks More Like a Puma

Oh flesh of mine,

I commend you for having fought valiantly (though not honorably, seeing as you are an evil, treacherous scumbag). However, before we continue, there is something you should know. The game is rigged. That’s right, it’s not a fair fight - God’s on my side.

You know, I almost pity you (’til I remember that you’re a two-faced, contemptible liar). No matter how hard you fight, no matter how many blows you land, no matter whether it seems you are winning or not, you will lose. You will die a painful, fiery death (which I will relish as I consider what a faithless, murderous saboteur you are).

You’ve noticed how it’s already begun, haven’t you? Yes, you’ve had some pretty nasty beatings when I’ve called on my God. As much as I despise you, my feelings are but a pale whim compared to the burning hatred He has for your vileness. You definitely picked the wrong person’s bad side to get on.

I would say I’ve enjoyed watching you get trounced, but the funny thing is I can’t even see you at all next to the Glory of my King. How glad it makes my heart to see how your colossal odiousness is reduced to a pathetic spec when set next to the infinitude of His lovingkindness.

Well, I can see you’re not planning on giving up, so hear this: I will not wait passively for the end to enjoy your doom. I will fight you, restlessly, every hour of every day until I have seen the end of your hideousness. Regardless of whether I am winning or losing, whether I achieve great victories or suffer mighty falls, I will not cease to fight. We know the beginning, and the end has been written, so let us settle the middle.

En garde, dirtbag!

Have you ever debated the validity of the word ‘irregardless’? I have on at least two occasions (and I’m not sure I was on the same side each time). The word itself sounds so legitimate that an uncritical ear is likely to let it pass without giving it a second thought. More precise minds, however, object bitterly, complaining that ‘irregardless’ is not a real word, but a foolish confusion of ‘irrespective’ and ‘regardless’.

Turns out, this debate is not (as I thought) a new one. In fact, Literary Digest published an article in 1923 titled “Is There Such a Word as Irregardless in the English Language?” Since then, our dictionaries have done nothing toward settling the question. Webster waffles so violently as to both insist that the word is real and adjure you not to use it.

I myself am quite conflicted. I am generally a great believer in making up words, considering language to be a playground for the cheekily quick-witted. (For instance I am the only proponent, that I know of, of using the word ‘underlap’ to refer to a gap.) On the other hand, my engineer’s mind can have little sympathy for using ‘irregardless’ to mean the same as ‘regardless’, rendering the prefix ‘irr’ an unconventional NOP.

My solution, an elegant one I believe, is to encourage the use of the word  - but as an antonym of ‘regardless’, rather than a synonym. In this way it could be used in all sorts of delightfully quirky constructions such as:

• People can vote in the US irregardless of age.
• Lifetime expectancy has gone up irregardless of medical advances.
• Carrie Underwood had talent, and she won American Idol irregardless.
• Macs are the best computers irregardless of what you need one for.
• All people go to heaven irregardless.

Now I don’t expect you to go on a crusade (because I know my audience), but when the subject comes up, (despite your best efforts?) you can take now a position no one will expect.

i made You promises a thousand times
i try to hear from heaven, but i talk the whole time
i think i made You too small
i never feared You at all

if You touch my face, would i know You?
looked into my eyes, could i behold You?

what do i know of You who spoke me into motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
are You fire? are You fury?
are You sacred? are You beautiful?
what do i know, what do i know of Holy?

i guess i thought that i had figured You out
i knew all the stories and i learned to talk about
how You were might to save
but those were only empty words on a page

then i caught a glimpse of who You might be
the slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

what do i know of You who spoke me into motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
are You fire? are You fury?
are You sacred? are You beautiful?
what do i know, what do i know of Holy?

what do i know of Holy?
what do i know of wounds that will heal my shame?
and a God who gave life its name
what do i know of Holy?
of the One who the angels praise
all creation knows Your name.
on earth and heaven above, what do i know of this Love?

what do i know of You who spoke me into motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
are You fire? are You fury?
are You sacred? are You beautiful?
what do i know, what do i know of Holy?

what do i know of Holy (play)
addison road